marriage: a reality check

Armando and I celebrated our 6th anniversary on August 16th. I guess like everyone else, there are times that feel like we've been married for more than 6 years and other times where it seems like just a second ago we were planning our wedding. For our anniversary each year, we normally take a great vacation. But with the pregnancy and a two year old to contend with this year, our plans were a little different. Actually, it was REALLY different - we grabbed a quick breakfast at Cracker Barrel that morning before heading off to a day packed with other activities, none of them anniversary related. Pretty sad, huh? At least it gave us something to laugh about. Sometimes that's what you need.

I've been thinking a lot about our marriage lately; probably spurred on by my raging pregnant hormones combined with a marriage book I'm reading. I think about how we have changed, how things don't turn out the way you think they will - which isn't necessarily a bad thing. In our case, our "honeymoon" seemed to end quickly and we were thrown into a very difficult period early on in our marriage. Before long I was praying, "God, there's been a terrible mistake. You have led me to the wrong person. He's not AT ALL what I expected and this will never work!" I know Armando was thinking the same thing about me. Communication was not a strong point and many times what should have been an easily resolved conflict often became an argument that would drag on and on. We always seemed to be at one end of the emotional spectrum - everything was either glorious or gloomy. Thankfully we had a great pastor at the time and without him exactly knowing about our issues, he helped us work through several things. Over the next couple years, we seemed to get in a groove, better understand each other, let go of hurts and offenses and actually start enjoying each other again. It was a dark time, but we see now on the other side why we had to go through it. It prepared us for another period of testing - a time where we would have to walk together, in faith, into a new "unknown".

We still have communication issues and other things we have to constantly work on. My mom tells me all the time that she and my dad still have things to work out after 45 years of marriage, so I'm guessing "the work" of marriage never ends. Perhaps that's why my grandmother (who's been widowed for close to 40 years) says she wouldn't have another man if he came on a Christmas tree! Armando and I have learned some valuable lessons in six short (or long, depending on how you look at it!) years:

- God has to be the source of our fulfillment. Your spouse can't meet your every need.

- Men and women are different in every way. Accept this as fact early on. Our thought patterns, our attention spans, our ideas, our conflict resolution styles...everything is different!

- Only God can change a person at their very core. We wasted a lot of time trying to make the other person into what we wanted them to be - as cliche as that sounds. But if we can learn to keep our mouths shut and take our concerns to the Lord first, it's amazing to watch Him work things out in a much smoother, less confrontational way. (I'm still working on the 'keeping my mouth shut' part, but I've made great progress in that area.)

- Romance and a healthy sex life isn't always like the Lifetime Movie Special said it would be. Sometimes it might be running out for a hot fudge cake at Shoney's and afterwards asking "it was good for me, was it good for you?" Not that I'm speaking from experience, I'm just saying...

- Kids add a whole other dimension to a relationship. They bring a different kind of stress to the marriage. Yes, there's the joy and fun they bring to your life - absolutely - but the responsibility of a child can be overwhelming and you need each other in a new way once a baby arrives.

- It's important to have fun together - like the 'first date' kind of fun you had at the beginning of your relationship. This is one of those areas we have to work at all the time. Our lives are so hectic, Armando works long hours, Sofi (and soon, Alex) have schedules to contend with, etc. that it's hard to carve out time for the two of us to go do something together that's just fun - no other agenda. Without this part, we seem to fall into a rut of being more like roommates who pass each other late in the evening and catch up on the day's events before we crash for the night.

On August 16, 2003, as we stepped out of the church with our shiny new rings on, we were full of exciting plans and unattainable expectations of each other. Now in this phase of our life, we're learning to appreciate and respect each other for our strong points and overlook the weaknesses and shortcomings. At the end of the day, our marriage has turned out much differently than I expected - it's better...even with all the bad stuff that gets mixed in. I really can't imagine being married to anyone else - so here's to many more anniversary celebrations for me and my lovey and for you and yours!